She came as a breeze to my bliss only to leave me empty and disoriented. I instead, took her a lesson not to face the same range of consequences.
Same as the relationship of sand and sapling, I was hopeful to receive identical. Irrevocably turned down to be the exciting aspect of my reality showcasing different altitudes. Melting at the junction of cruel certainty, I saw her bidding goodbye to the bond of 5 years. A goodbye without specifications.
Remembering the last time we saw each other, the words still kill my inhibitions…
“I don’t have any attachments left with you.”
Still wonder the meaning of the showered phrase, yet unable to decipher till date.
Might be stupid to some, but it defined my inner clashes. Being sibling less from the start, I repetitively craved to have one. Looking at the duos of sisters made me get one as well. As a child prayed hard to give me a present in the form of a younger twin but each occasion left me disheartened. It was kind of dark to live in the world full of supports without having one. A shoulder to cry when depressed, a lap to lay head when failure strikes, surprise celebrations when success knocks, extending a hand when a heart breaks, and fighting with people around when they bitch or irritate.
I missed the little crumbles. Searching a family other than my parents was the soul mission. And one fine day I got one satisfying my growing myth.
Tanisha came to my life as a shimmering blue in the solidified clouds. We started to gel up pretty well in the scrumptious world. I still remember the times she was there by my side selflessly( I thought). Yes, she was (Blur Vision).
The first time I thought how blood connections may fail but the relationships build with love can never. How I wanted to prove myself right but destiny failed me, drastically.
Tanisha – A girl with the scattered ponytail, hated to go around in the world, hardly any friends, pursued a diploma in jewelry designing without the certification. The skin all fair with sharp features, big blond eyes, and hidden smile. An introvert with an unsatisfied family, as per her conveyed information. Who knew she could ever be an opportunity seeker? Well, to my surprise, she surely did cheat the emotions.
I, on the other hand being an extrovert showcasing the happy aspects. With the glee to keep my weaknesses to myself, never tried to share them until it was Tani (Tanisha).
She once told me the act of her running from the house which came as an utter shock to me. How her parents treated her due to the jobless identity she had, suppressed her due to her behavior, how her siblings treated her sick and sadly mocked. The first time I visited her house was the moment each one bitching about her in front of me ignoring the fact of I being a stranger, a complete stranger. All lost in thoughts, I wanted to help her out to remove the pain of not being accepted to her clan.
Trying hard while making her study, enrolling her in the graduation program, was tough. Giving her that advice to be with her family in ups and downs and maintain decency was all I knew. I acted a matured sister by being her ideal friend to keep a check on her, not to commence that running away cowardliness ever again.
Conclusively, while feeding her with the knowledge about the world, she started dissociating from me. Questioned me whenever I celebrated with my friends. I stopped contacting the people I knew as she didn’t like the fact of me involved with anyone else. I abide, concluding to regret. I hardly knew why the threads split and moved to the brighter side which was the darkest to my surprise. For me she turned a sibling, for her, I was an opportunity.
I had a friend in the form of a sister and a sister who would be my best friend forever, stood so wrong with the changing colors.
A betrayal a sister witnessed with a dual moon face!
There was another circumstance when a boy came to see Tani for a marriage proposal (The time I gathered how her family developed a hatred for me). Some approximate hours before her mother asked me if I would take the proposal instead due to the intelligence I have. On my utter shock while sharing it with Tani tears rolled down the cheeks with helplessness asking…
“Why will I keep an eye on my sister’s proposal?”
The first time I gave her a family tag. And she hugged me. Who knew her intentions beneath? And then her clan started to hate me. There are numerous incidents but how to speak them all. Threatened by the thought of being sibling less….And here I am, again!
The irrevocable fidelity prescribing the presuming stances failed me. The pain of giving her the importance rolled with respect backfired at me when I needed her the most. She left because she changed the reasons. Do I need to take the revenge? Should I fall to her grounds?
I am not her. I am not brought up like this. I gave her the chunk of my life and the part of heart no one can ever have. She will always be that sister to me I once dreamt.
The tipping points, unconvinced to me. The point where survival was tough. People saw me with questionable eyes. The frames on my wall changed. The laughing duo transformed to a smiling single. Pumped with negativity, no one to call again, no one to make jokes. Why did she do that? Was she this shallow or the situation?
A friend asked me one fine day…
“You always tagged her with being a sister. What happened that you hardly want to see her face now?”(Sarcastically)
I was disheartened. It wasn’t his fault or others in the society. Just another crucial teaching, life offered. I took it supportively with the passage of time. Moved slow, managed the steps, and disfigured the insanity. I lacked the trust I once had on people. Apparently, I was judged. That questioned my survival again.
In all these situations, I gathered how my parents turned to be the rock stars playing the role of siblings as well. That hope of trust was rebuild with them. Relations might turn explosive but not to the extent of snatching the mental platform governing peace.
There are people surrounded by the happy bunch of roses, yet we search for more. Staying contented with something you’ve got is the best amongst all the yearnings.
More than the losing hopes I felt avoided of what has pulled me this down. The senselessness of teaming up with her again was all I could think. Is it preferable?
And, I tried forgetting all the flaws of each side, whether her or me. With the head turning expectations, I contacted, and she thrashed with utter rudeness again. Surrounded with helplessness totally! Not even with me, but she turned hostile with my clan as well. How we gave her that irreplaceable position and how she changed it with utter misfortune. My parents were unable to get over till date. They miss her with a lesson again. We both survived, Tani and Me…
She survived climbing an opportunity, and I survived a betrayal.
It is all meant to be. Whether love or life, miss, and match or acceptance wrapped with denial. We cannot consider the intoxicating intentions through gut feels. And that is the utter failure we again get.
Why would the things turn futile? I have hardly catered.
Meanwhile, I was fallen in love. The urge to make his family mine was another desire I had. But I failed again. He came stammering one fine day…
“She is my sister; Don’t drag her in all this!”
Pouring my heart out will be a fantasy forever. And, I decided never to give relationship tags to anyone in future. The context of becoming that errand stature of inflexibility made me flicker to the depths. With all the failed relationships of having a sibling made me realize why I don’t have it in the first place.
Probably, I am a loner. A loner in search of relationships and losing them ignorantly. A loner of mistaken admires, A loner in search of water, A loner with growing peace, and A Loner with the helplessness.
The survival made me realize how I was specifically needed this to showcase the cruelest realities pillowed beneath inceptions and surrounding. I am happy and generalized without the plethora of love I abide, by the situational proximities.
Meeting with the fate and getting along may get tough but not bad. Thinking about, what might turn after losing the only associate connected to my soul with the reference of being a soul sister. Is this one relationship so important? I am yet figuring it out.
I cannot preach or teach someone. I have slit that extent beneath a glowing transformation of helplessness.
She changed the threads, kept flying to the new ones, changed the verses and became someone I never thought. A person can hide the intentions to this level is yet unexplored to me.
Till then let one thought be considerate of each situation…
One may not be presented with the glowing shimmer the entire day, rather some charcoal – ish stones to be grounded.